I rematched with the Music Man on Hinge this past summer, after having a decently long flirtation with him 3 years previously … that ended when I ghosted him. Whoops. For one reason or another I got nervous and disappeared on him and maybe a few other guys back then. This time however, I had just been recently stood up by Casper the Fuckboy Ghost, and was feeling shitty about my failed attempt at my “coming out” into the single world. So I chatted him up, he invited me over, and I accepted.
So I get to his apartment, he offers me a bowl, we both hit one, and he points me towards his stellar record collection that we were talking about when we texted. He works in the Toronto music scene (who doesn’t lol), and I just love music – especially classic rock and R&B. I go and plop myself down on the floor in front of his record collection, talking to him about his favourites, when suddenly he’s standing right behind me, his boner pretty much just perched casually on my shoulder (as if I wouldn’t notice it ???🤔).
If you’re wondering what I did… well obviously I had sex with him! I had something to prove to myself and he literally presented his boner to me on my shoulder 😂😂. I wanted to get over the hurdle of having sex with a new partner after breaking up with my ex, and I thought this would help. Unfortunately, I was wrong, and by the time I left, I realized that the Music Man managed to make me feel like I had been there to prove something to him and not myself. To make him feel better, or more worthy.
He left the next day on a canoe trip with some friends, and didn’t message me until he got back a week later. So, I never answered. Latest update? He messaged me about a month ago, asking if I would want to hang out again sometime, and I told him I wasn’t interested. Oh well, on to the next 😎.
Another lockdown in Toronto & pretty much everything is closed. We’re not supposed to see anyone outside our households. So.. the fuck are we supposed to do now? Luckily for you guys, we’re here.
This post will contain 5 things you can still do in the City or from your own home, written by Pax
As we get closer to our inevitably long, cold Canadian winter, many of us Torontonians have begun feeling the impacts of seasonal depression. In a normal year, these pre-winter months can be particularly difficult for many of us. Throw in a pandemic and climate change, and BAM – we’re in for a stellar time. With the weather being more bipolar than Iris, we’ve had a mix of both sunny and warm days, and grey, depressing ones. So, while we’re all in lockdown, we all need to find ways to embrace the situation, and take advantage of the day – regardless of the weather.
Check out MadFit on YouTube, for a large number of no-equipment, free workouts with Toronto’s own Maddie Lymburner. Maddie’s YouTube account has become even more popular during the pandemic, as gyms closed down and Torontonians began looking for alternative exercise class options.
Maddie’s advice for staying fit during the pandemic: “moving your body in any way you enjoy is so important. You don’t need fancy equipment to feel good.”
In addition to MadFit, there are countless videos on YouTube that you can find to fit your exercise or meditation needs.
The Chesterfield is a new platform for Canadian artists to talk about their favourite Canadian art. The hosts of The Chesterfield will be video-chatting with some of the nation’s most creators from coast to coast, exploring the culture that inspires and connects us. There will be conversations with Rush (of course) and a number of award-winning authors, and discussion around Canadian horror films.
New episodes air every Tuesday.
2. Dating App Entertainment
If you’re single, you can download dating apps. Hear me out. You have SO many options. Personally, I’m a little weirdo and I never talk to anyone on a dating app unless they seem really weird. Because then thats the only conversation really worth having right now anyways. A hilarious one that I can talk to my friends about and write about. What more could I ask for? A cute guy? On a dating app? Who’s not a douchebag? Or exceptionally needy? Psh, come on. Plus, we’re in a fucking pandemic; we can add another one to the list of “things we don’t want”; that is a) to get pregnant b) to get an STI and c) to get COVID. So.. I might as well give up on sex for now in search of comedic relief to tide me over. BUT that being said, you do you and if you want to meet the love of your life, or just for the night, this is probably your best bet right now.
3. Go Green
First things first, by “go green” I don’t mean becoming more sustainable and eco-friendly. While I would love for you to do that, I’m thinking more along the lines of weed right now. We are so lucky in Toronto during this pandemic, that we now have dispensaries all over the City, delivery services, and we have things like WeedMaps to tell us everything we need to know.
Live it up, make some edibles, try out some of the interesting cannabis-infused beverages and stuff from the government. Plus, on nice days, what is better than a solo joint and walk or sesh in the park? If you’re a stoner like me, COVID could definitely be worse.
If like me you’ve probably already gone through the majority of Netflix (or if you’re really like me, you’ve also gone through most of Crave, Prime Video, and Disney+). So you’re probably ready to move on from the endless binging, and onto something that will make you feel more productive, creative, and less homicidal.
Since the beginning of the Toronto COVID-19 outbreak/lockdown in March 2020, I’ve managed to run through so many hobbies. From puzzles, to drawing, to taking random online courses, to exercise, and writing, I’ve tried a lot. So here are some ideas for you, to help you to keep from going crazy this lockdown:
Learn a language
I recommend using the app Duolingo – it’s been helping me a lot with my French! FYI, learning a second language/improving on your shit French skills can help make you much more employable here in Canada.
Break out the paints
Something I learned recently, everybody can paint. Will your painting be good? Maybe not. Mine weren’t. But, it’s still a really relaxing and expressive activity, and who knows, maybe you’ll make a masterpiece.
Maybe you’ve managed to become older than Betty White during this pandemic, and you’re really hankering for some good old fashioned fun. If this sounds like you, you better go on down to your nearest craft store and stock up.
Read a book
Contrary to popular belief, you can actually read for pleasure, when you’re not in school. Want to know more about the roaring twenties? Check out F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Beautiful & Damned. Want to know more about slavery? Check out the Book of Negroes. Want to know more about any subject? Hit up your girl Pax, and I’ll give you a great recommendation.
5. Distillery District’s Winter Village
While the usual Distillery District’s annual Christmas Market won’t be happening this year, they’ve decided to celebrate with their alternative Winter Village. Beginning November 12, the historic spot will be turned into a festive holiday experience once more – with some changes. Unlike the usual Christmas Market, stores will not be setting up vendor booths at the Winter Village, although some have extended patios and outdoor carts, and pick-up/take-out is available.
There won’t be any live performances, but there will be a digital exhibit set up in Trinity Square. Precautions once on-site include signs to promote physical distancing, increased cleaning and sanitization, and hand sanitizing stations throughout the area. As well, all guests are asked to wear masks, both indoors and outdoors.
6. Get COVID
So here we are at the end of this list, so if you’re still bored and you don’t really care about your or the community’s safety, you should go on down to Adamson BBQ!
Since owner, Adam Skelly, announced on his Instagram page that his business would be ignoring provincial lockdown orders and remain open for both dine-in and patio service. Groups of people have been attending the restaurant to dine, and many more have gathered outside carrying signs to protest the closure and promote Skelly’s decision.
We’re not here to tell you what to do – if you want to go get some delicious BBQ, and potentially get COVID while you do it, all the power to you. But for those of you in Toronto not looking to get swept up in the next inevitable bout of the virus, maybe steer clear of the Eglinton & Laird area for a bit.
Living in a city as beautiful as Toronto, it’s not uncommon for people to try to take advantage of the view during sex. Doing it with windows wide open, in the parks, or over a balcony to get the beautiful city view. Even better, smoking during sex which usually will entail the city lights for more added bonus.
The other night we were walking through Kensington market after an evening at Done Right (highly recommended bar – especially for Covid) and heard, well “oooooh LOO ohhhhhh LOOO ohhhhhh LOOO” to be frank, clearly a woman was having sex outside somewhere, whenever that person hit her spot there was a loud “LOO’ to follow.
It got to the point where the neighbour poked his head out and screamed “WHOS THIS YODELLING BITCH!?!?” Which brought half the neighbours into the street with joints and beers talking about the yodelling girl. Nobody could see her, but we could tell she was on one of the balconies.
The yodelling stopped and some time later we’re still hanging in the streets when someone comes by screaming “OH SHIT DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT?!”, to which we all turn our heads to see some girl behind him and without missing a beat raises her hands in the air shouting “ARNT YOU HAPPY FOR ME!?” And proceeded to give everybody a list of top brunch places in Toronto, pre & during COVID.
The Divine Feminine is not a new or unfamiliar concept to many of us, but the call for the reemergence of the divine has become more prominent in recent history. 2020 has been a significant year in many aspects; factors such as health, economy, education, socialization, politics, and human rights have been changed in irreversible ways. However, this is not the cause of any one incident, but a culmination of choices and practices over time that led to the hardships we’ve experienced as a global community. This illustrates that part of the solution is something that has been lacking from humanity as a whole, for a long time.
This assumes a world out of balance – one that has been dominated by the divine masculine. While the divine masculine is equally as important as the divine feminine, they must be acknowledged together, as they exist within each other – working together. This requires a balance, where no one divine energy dominates the other. In traditional Chinese medicine, the belief is that all things – substances, processes, people – have both yin and yang qualities. In this instance, yin refers to the divine feminine, while yang refers to the divine masculine. According to this school of thought, there is nothing in this world that is absolutely yin or absolutely yang; each is relative to the other, and everything contains components of both. If you picture a yin-yang, there is a circle of white within the black, and a circle of black within the white; this symbolizes the seed of yin that is within yang, and vice versa.
After centuries of patriarchal-dominated societies, many individuals, communities, religions, and cultures have laid grave importance, almost exclusively, onto the divine masculine. Emphasizing the importance of one divine energy over the other – whichever one it is – has implications. For the divine masculine, results of imbalance include; controlling and overbearing behaviours, corruption, egotistical, materialistic, greed, and abuse of power. These specific issues have become clearer now more than ever, and shows us the solution requires a change in system – political, personal, communal, etc. There is no demand for the rise of the divine feminine alone but as an equal part of power with the divine masculine, the emphasis on the divine feminine comes from the need to bring it back to an equal level of importance as the divine masculine. We seek reemergence, “a movement necessary for balance of the masculine and feminine, to bring the world back to order.”
To understand why it’s more prominent now than ever, we must discuss how we got here, and what caused us to abandon this duality within us. Throughout history, there have been a number of instances where we can see the divine feminine being suppressed, distorted, or even overthrown. For example, over the past few thousand years, God has been depicted as a masculine form, due to the influence of the three major religions (Christianity, Judaism, Islam); when for approximately 20,000 years prior, God was assumed to be feminine –a Goddess. She was believed to be a supreme ruler, and was worshipped throughout history by a number of names including Isis, Astarte, Ishtar, Cybele, Demeter, Artemis, Hera, Tara, Kali, and Athena. She was a fertility symbol, and held a wide-ranging societal influence on both men and women. Throughout her reign, women had the ability to buy and sell property, own their own businesses, and inherit lands and titles from their mothers. Then came along the establishment of the patriarchy, and women became the property of their fathers and husbands – men who controlled their fates.
According to scientist Dr. Gerda Lerner, the establishment of the patriarchy was a historical process that developed from 3100 BC to 600 BC. During this period, the original ideas of the patriarchy likely arose from the practice of intertribal exchanges of women for marriage. At this time, women would have agreed to the practice due to its practicality to the tribe, and its necessity for the tribe’s continued survival. However, these exchanges uprooted young women from their homes and families – giving early peoples the notion that men held rights that women did not.
Over time, the ways of the patriarchy became the norm – leaving both men and women striving to be the perfect examples of their genders – forcing them to suppress their opposing divine energies. Women were considered to be inherently sinful and desirable beings, who required control by their male counterparts. This idea was further solidified by one of the oldest forms of the patriarchy, the Church, in a number of Bible passages in which women are depicted as inherently evil and sinful, luring men into sin. For example, in the story of Adam and Eve – Eve was depicted as inferior to Adam in many ways; Eve was created second, and many stories say that Eve is literally made from Adam’s rib, automatically making her lesser than, and she only managed to “touch the divine” through Adam. She was more likely to be tempted because she was seen as morally weak, less rational, less disciplined, vain, greedy, cunning, more instinctive, and a sexual being. While we personally are most definitely sexual beings, this was a time when sex was considered a “gateway for the devil to enter”. So, essentially, the patriarchy overthrew the age of the Goddess, and replaced it with centuries of suppressing the divine qualities within both masculine and feminine beings, making it taboo to exhibit divine qualities of the opposite sex.
Even in these understandings of male dominated history; we see the emphasis on balance between the masculine and feminine intertwined with the guided perception of favouring the male. The importance of Eve being “unable to touch the divine” without Adam shows the favouritism towards male power, but Eve’s existence comes exclusively from the fact that God required Adam to have a female counterpart. Without Eve, the story of creation wouldn’t be possible. The importance of the balance between feminine and masculine energies is still present in one of the most classic, and significant patriarchal stories in history.
It has only been within the past few decades that the idea of the divine feminine has reemerged. As a society, we have been living in a very masculine-driven world for centuries. Due to this, it can be difficult for women to identify with it, because the separation of masculine and feminine energy is almost as clear as the separation of genders. Alternatively, for centuries, men have been pressured to meet the expectations that come with being a man. This reemergence is significant for the spiritual, psychological, and evolutionary growth of humanity, as men can connect with their feminine side without losing their masculinity, and women now have alternatives to either becoming more aggressive like a man, or staying home and having babies, as the patriarchal view would suggest. As of September 2020, 21 of 193 heads of states/governments are being led by a female. In the last 20 years, the number of businesses owned by women in the United States has increased by 114%. Women have had more opportunities for career advancement and leadership than ever before, but even still, this progress has been slow, with 127 of 193 countries having only male heads of state/government since 1946. While the Divine Feminine and the feminist movement are not the same, the number of women in leadership is important as studies have proven that female leaders promote bipartisanship, equality, and stability. This indicates the improvement and importance of embracing and including the feminine perspective and energy in decision-making. Known characteristics of the divine feminine include: Sensitive, intuition-based decision making, stresses importance of relationships (not exclusive to romantic), right brain dominant, creative, vulnerability, emotional strength, open, receives, and a high focus towards the inner being.
Lack of harmony, connection, acknowledgement, and peace with these characteristics from centuries of focusing towards one dominant power is what has thrown us off. Although people are naturally scared of changing the way things have been, what harm could come from exploring and accepting traits that we naturally possess?
This lack of balance has negatively affected all aspects of life, from personal relationships to irreversible harm of the planet. Luckily, this reemergence does not require privilege, or any other external factors, it starts with acceptance & acknowledgment. The divine feminine is something that exists within us all, despite gender. It is an aspect of self association; not something we find, it is something we discover within ourselves and carry out into the world. Allowing ourselves and others to feel through the natural characteristics of their feminine AND masculine energy as they experience them is vital to creating and maintaining harmony. The divine feminine differs from the divine masculine, yet is of equal importance, so careful not to eliminate the divine masculine within us, just find balance. In their purest forms, when the divines are working together in harmony we see; beautiful nurturing relationships, new possibilities and creative ideas, protective yet kind and loving energy, generosity, spirituality, hard work, promotion of unconditional love, and the creation of safe spaces.
This sets the foundation for every relationship we have; romantic, business, friendship, familial, even the relationship we have with our planet. We can spew all the relationship, love, and sex advice that has ever existed throughout any time of history, within every culture, in all the galaxies – but it means nothing if we do not fix and understand the relationships within ourselves.
Ever since I can remember, I have been told by the movies I watched, the books I read, and the people I interacted with, that being loved by another person was the ultimate goal. Growing up, I was encapsulated by the idea that true love was not only real, but that it was out there just waiting for me – if only I could find it. I jumped from relationship to relationship, worried that being alone meant that I was unlovable or simply not special enough for this powerful love I searched for. However, I recently ended another long-term relationship because I just felt like something was missing. I just couldn’t quite put my finger one what it was though. So, for the first time in my adult life, I gave myself permission to be truly single – allowing me to finally grasp the concept of gratitude in relation to my sense of self.
In general terms, a person’s sense of self relates to how they evaluate or perceive themselves in relation to the roles, attributes, behaviours and relationships that they consider most important. One of the ways we can better know ourselves, is by becoming aware of what our core values are. Our core values consist of what is most important to us – what we identify with most, and/or what we admire or aspire to. These values are the reasons we get up every morning, and are woven into the fabric of who we are as individuals. If a person can have clarity about their personal core values and what they are, they will be able to live them out more clearly.
One of the simplest ways to identify your own core values is to look at your actions rather than your thoughts. For instance, you may think a core value of yours is to help others, but when offered the choice between a public service job and a bank job, you choose the bank job due to higher wages. In this case, you might be fooling yourself. Your true value may be money, and that’s okay. The real trouble comes if you think you know your values, but are actually using your conscious mind to cherry pick the values you believe you should have. Choosing others’ values instead of your own will always result in working against yourself. Once you can identify your core values, you can decide if they are indeed values chosen freely (not someone else’s values), and then you can choose how you want to express them in your daily life.
While some people may be able to identify and understand their core values while in a relationship, sometimes an individual’s personal values can become influenced or overshadowed by their partners’. For example, your partner may be religious, and you may not be. You might think organized religion is silly; but because religion is one of your partners’ core values, you may find yourself attending church every Sunday morning. Not to say that compromise and concessions aren’t necessary for any successful relationship, but you should be aware of the impacts these decisions may be having on you and your sense of self.
Regardless of whether you are single or partnered, taking the time to understand yourself and the way your mind works, is a crucial aspect to self-growth and self-acceptance. Since my breakup, I’ve felt deeply grateful for the opportunity I’ve given myself to learn more about me and what I need – outside of a relationship – so that the next time I’m in one, I can be sure my core values are my own, and won’t let them be diminished.
So I’ve been seeing this guy that I’ve known my whole life. He’s seen me through all of my awkward as hell stages and somehow always had a thing for me throughout all of them (including the stages where I was a raging hormonal bitch).
I broke up with him and got back together with him maybe 10 times in middle school (yes I know hahah), and then we both went our separate ways. Fast forward 10 years and we reconnected. I was single for the first time ever, and he somehow still had a thing for me. Even told me he always thought of me as the perfect girl next door.
We started hanging out and hooking up, and everything was good, chill, until my ex reappeared in my DMs and made me reconsider the way things were going for me. Suddenly I realized, this guy who I thought might be my perfect little boy next door, was more likely actually just be me romanticizing the situation.. because, well, how Hallmark would it be if I fell in love with my childhood sweetheart and got married and lived happily ever after? I know.
But the thing is.. I hate Hallmark movies. So between me and you, I think that I’m going to be breaking his heart for the 11th time..
This summer during the pandemic, I decided to break up with my boyfriend of a few years so I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life, and to really experience the Toronto dating scene for the first time in my life.
So, as most of us do, after breaking up with my ex, I downloaded all usual dating apps – Hinge, JSwipe, Tinder, and Bumble – and decided to go for it. Few days in, I meet this super cute guy, we have a few mutual friends, so when he asks me for my number I give it to him. He spends a whole week texting me day and night. He asks me mid-week to come over that Friday night after he finishes a birthday dinner nearby for his best friend, to meet him at his apartment near Jarvis & Carlton at 11:00pm. That he was just so excited.
I decide to go downtown early so I could grab a drink at the bar next door, to hype myself up for my first ever booty-call with a margarita and a shot of tequila. I’m a little tipsy by the time I realize it’s 11:00pm and I haven’t heard from him; so I text him and wait. It’s now 11:30pm, and I’m standing at JARVIS & CARLTON, alone, at night. His phones dead and my messages aren’t going through so I by 12:00am I leave, go over to Iris’s house, and get baked with her, laughing and ranting about getting stood up until passing out.
The next morning I wake up, and still no word from him. 2:00pm comes, his phones still dead. It’s 5:00pm and I still haven’t heard from him, so I send him another message, just saying that he should text me back so I don’t worry that something happened to him… that was 4 months ago.
And I never heard from Casper the Fuckboy Ghost again..
While my summer of free love got off to a rocky start with Casper the Fuckboy Ghost, I decided to keep going with the dating apps. One day I match with this cute Jewish guy who I had a lot of mutual friends with, had a friend who dated him in high school casually… overall seemed like a good idea. He asked me to go to a drive-in movie with him, which I’ve always wanted to do; so I said yes.
The day of, he cancels on the drive-in, saying he has his parents place to himself, that I should come by there and watch a movie instead. So we pop in Austin Powers, share a joint, have some wine, and cuddle up on the couch. Once the movie ends, he just decides to go right for it. At first we’re just kissing which was nice, but then he goes to try and feel me up. So he starts really going for my boobs, well not really my boobs, but my nipples.
When I say “he was going for them”, what I really mean, was he was just twisting them back and forth and round and round, and PINCHING them. It was so uncomfortable, but it was also my first time really hooking up with someone in this kind of situation, so I didn’t know what to say. Just kept kissing him while he kept giving me a titty twister.
Eventually, when I got home later and changed into my PJ’s, I looked at my boobs, and no joke, they were legit purple. This boy gave me a
Valentine’s Day can be an awkward time of year for those of us that are in the types of relationships where you’re ‘ a little more than casual but a little less romantic’. People have different expectations and desires on this day. The -resin I was seeing at the time was having a hard time grasping Valentine’s Day, circled frown face on his calendar, bitching stupidity, the whole thing. So I figured I should find something to do for or give him that is still special, but doesn’t send the wrong messages. We didn’t really connect on any level besides sexually, but that aspect was very strong; comfortable, open, kinky, and even a little spiritual. I decided to get lingerie and wrote a card, casual and perfect. T(to this day, my lingerie has gone unworn). That night he showed up with a ‘surprise’, and pulled out two blue pills. I’ve done my share of research regarding viagra’s effects on women, there’s been a range of experiences but the overall consensus is that it’s quite pleasurable, and worth a shot.
With the reports on women enjoying sex on viagra and the two of us already having a great sex life, I thought this was going to be fantastic.
It takes some time to kick in, but a little foreplay while waiting will add to the trick. Everything was said up basically -refectory. Strong sex to begin with, added stimulants, building up heat, minor romantic aspects = recipe for orgasms! A lot of them, and really good ones.
Stop ahead 20 minutes, we are both bundled up in our comfiest Panama’s, wrapped in our own blankets on the floor, shaking, searching through Disney plus for a comfort movie, and deciding what comfort food is most needed. Needless to stay, it felt like the comedown of a molly trip.
If anyone else has this experience, Moana is a great movie for any come down.